Doing polyamory 'right': boundary work on hierarchical practices in the r/polyamory subreddit


Emma Brion, University of McGill

The possibility of having more than one romantic relationship in polyamorous practice introduces the potential for hierarchy between relations. In this regard, two approaches arise in discussions of the practice of polyamory: hierarchical and non-hierarchical polyamory. In hierarchical polyamory, an individual has one primary partner with whom they are generally highly entangled and who takes precedence over secondary or tertiary partners. However, non-hierarchical polyamorists refuse such ranking of partners. By many accounts, hierarchy is a new challenge which potentially conflicts with democratic ideals of intimacy and the feminist origins of the polyamorous movement. While academic literature identifies hierarchy as a debated issue, the extent of current academic attention on the topic consists of quantitative studies investigating its effect on relationship quality. I contribute to the body of literature on polyamory and boundary work by qualitatively analyzing the community’s definitional struggles on hierarchy.   Using qualitative discourse analysis methodology, I analyze forum interactions on a subreddit dedicated to polyamory (r/polyamory). This forum is the largest subreddit dedicated to polyamory with over 300,000 subscribers and high community engagement. R/polyamory data was retrieved using pushift.io from January to February 2023 (the latest available data at the time of sampling). A random subsample of threads containing the keyword ‘hierarch*’ yielded a sample of 1012 comments spanning 51 different threads. Through this analysis, I interrogate how the concept of hierarchy is conceptualized by the polyamorous community, how community members draw from hierarchy in their boundary work on the differences between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ polyamorous practice as well as how the greater constraints of living in a mononormative society impacts how they view hierarchy and non-hierarchy.   Preliminary findings include that hierarchy is defined in terms of one partner having priority rather than power over other partners. The practice also related both to the hierarchy created by individuals involved in a relationship as well as the existence of mononormative institutions, which give greater importance to certain partners over others. In this regard, partners being married is construed as de facto hierarchy since marriage affords more legal rights to spouses than non-spouses. I also found that while hierarchy is often identified as a topic of debate, most of the commentors’ attitudes regarding the practice are neutral, pointing to nuanced attitudes in the r/polyamory community regarding hierarchy. Rather, it appears that through their online interactions, community members are constructing boundaries between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ hierarchy, and construct norms about how to practice it ethically. First, if one is in a hierarchical relationship, they should clearly preface that hierarchy to new partners so that they can give enlightened consent about entering a relationship. Second, people in a hierarchical structure may choose to dismantle or minimize their hierarchy. An example of such dismantling may be to seek a divorce to equalize legal rights between partners. Lastly, if one wishes to keep their hierarchical structure, they may be advised to seek partners who themselves are hierarchical resulting relationship structure seen as more stable.   This research expands sociological understandings of changing intimacy norms and boundaries in non-normative romantic practices by analyzing discussions and debates surrounding the hierarchy between partners. I identify how hierarchy is conceptualized by the polyamorous community as well as how it is used in making the difference between ‘real’ and ‘right’ practices as opposed to ‘fake’ or unethical ones. I also explore how mononormative norms constrain discourse on this topic.

This paper will be presented at the following session: